"Danya's story & circle sessions are inspirational for children and staff alike, they brighten everyone's day!"
Staff at Courthouse Green School


USEFUL LINKS

www.wizardpresents.co.uk
http://www.schoolofstorytelling.com/
www.lisntell.com
http://www.sfs.org.uk/
http://www.story-lovers.com/listsofstories.html
http://www.festivalattheedge.org/
http://www.myriadonline.co.uk/index.php
http://www.roseberrycrafts.co.uk/page7.htm
www.atimeforchildhood,com 
http://www.watfordhospitalradio.com/


ARTICLES

1) Where have all the Adults Gone?
The above article is included in a booklet called "The Art of Creative Dicipline"  based on Lourdes Callens' Work

2) Quietly and Firmly
3) Given a Choice
Articles 2 and 3 where writen as a contribution to the forthcoming book "A time for Parenting" by Lourdes Callen For information on the book or to order the booklet please contact: lcallen@atimeforchildhood.com or visit www.atimeforchildhood,com

4) Review of Dark and Stormy Night - Melanie Dakin Watford Observer 

WHERE HAVE ALL THE ADULTS GONE?
Danya Miller

We live in a world where the pace of life grows ever faster; a world of credit and instant gratification. We have a menu of fast and processed food which means that for the first time the life expectancy of the nation’s children is less than that of their parents.

At the same time children are driven to grow up faster and faster. The period of a child’s life when they should be allowed to explore without external pressure is being eroded. The education system expects children to be in school before they are five, and from that point they are on a learning treadmill. Many children are running wild but have they ever experienced respectful discipline or been given clear secure boundaries?

Changes in our society as a whole have brought about the confusion in parenting; children no longer remain in the exclusive care of their mothers or close relatives during infancy and early childhood. To maintain a lifestyle, pay the mortgage or alleviate boredom it is now usual for both parents to be working full time and for mothers to return to work within weeks of giving birth.

At one extreme children are abandoned in front of television or the latest video game, and at the other, we have a generation of anxious parents who are showing flash cards to babies, and who are worried if their child is not reading by the age of five. They are filling their early years with extra curricular activities and stunting their true development by focusing on academic achievement.

Since the Sixties there has been a school of thought that has advocated treating children as small adults whose opinion we should seek in all matters affecting them. The natural consequence is that many parents feel ruled by their offspring. From my own friends I hear statements such as, “We all know who the boss is in our house”, “She won’t do this, or won’t eat that whatever I try”.

We have put them in charge of their own lives, giving them wide choices in their daily lives: what to wear, what to eat, when to go to bed or how much television to watch, even before they know how to tie their shoelaces. Not surprisingly parents are disheartened, exhausted and along with their children they are confused. What we don’t realise is that we are engaged in absent parenting.

Children need clear firm boundaries. They will, characteristically, push at these boundaries to see if they are strong and consistent. A child’s early motivation is only driven by one force, to grow, to understand and conquer the environment in which they live. However, strange as it may seem as long as the boundaries are lovingly set, children want and need them. A child’s playground of life needs to start small and grow with the child. Its boundaries give the child a sense of security.

If a child has what seems to be unlimited choice why should it take ‘no’ for an answer?

We are in danger of our children running our lives through the simple exercise of will, of power without responsibility. Our woolly thinking is leading to anarchy. It is time for parents to be the adults. Children are not young adults; they are growing and maturing infants. They require very special, individual and kind treatment, they become confused if they are given a free rein; it does not serve their needs. The parent who does not guide, is absent from the child in their most vulnerable area, creating emotional insecurity.

Unfortunately the reaction to this situation is that the pendulum is swinging to its polar position. The result is a brat camp disciplinary code. A swathe of books has hit the market place, suggesting that children are naturally wild irresponsible creatures that need taming.

The books claim to be about ‘an end to soft parenting’ but ‘an end to parenting with love and understanding’ would seem more applicable. Leaving aside the fact that we are creating generations of hyperactive, out of control children, poisoned by chemical additives and high doses of refined sugar in their food, the ‘new wave of child rearing books’ would seem to be promoting ideals that would be more appropriate to the Victorian era.

Our children are not our adversaries. They are not here for us to tame. To support a culture of conflict between parent and child is merely to create the next generation of abusers; for it is abuse that is being suggested. We need to build our children’s trust in us as parents. We need to make them feel safe enough to explore the boundaries of their world.

On television we have programmes dealing with the idea of the quick fix; a doctrine of punishment and reward, a system of techniques to control wayward children. How can we expect years of parenting chaos to be resolved in a couple of weeks? Certainly the programme illustrates the fact that it is we as parents who need help, but as well as creatively dealing with the problem we must seek to understand is how to build loving adult/children relationships from birth, for the long term.

Surely we have learnt that punishment has only a short term beneficial effect but causes long term damage. If we were to compare the relationship we have with our spouses to that of our children, do we really think that hiding our husband’s car keys or cancelling our wife’s hair appointment, every time we were upset, would actually lead to an improvement in that relationship.

I am not suggesting a return to a hippy liberal philosophy; one that believes that children should be left to their own devices without discipline. Children need parameters, they thrive with clear boundaries. They test us to find the limits and as long as they feel safe, are content to live within them. But what must be remembered is that young children are unable to set their own boundaries. Their role is to keep pushing the boundaries; our role is to set, with love, clear consistent boundaries, to enable them to grow into balanced adults.

I am advocating creative parenting. We need to act as adults when we deal with our children, although this can be difficult when most of us behave like children in all our relationships. We need to be the captain of the ship, but this does not mean that we should behave like prison officers. I will expand on this later but first I should explain what brought me to this point.

My parents brought me up with a strict and authoritarian code of conduct; I learned to behave beautifully. I remember as I child listening to conversations between my parents as they congratulated themselves on my manners, whilst their more liberal friends had tempestuous and problem children, who spoke rudely to their parents and ran roughshod over them. I felt very proud of myself.  I now recognise that I was conditioned by fear of punishment and my parents’ anger.

My terrible twos were squashed and my attempts at teenage rebellion were throttled only to re-appear untimely at the age 38 just before my father’s death. I was unable to forgive him and he died before we could complete our emotional journey; I am sorry for this.

When I was 37 my daughter was delivered by me, (with the attendance of a mid-wife) at home, in a water pool. I looked into her eyes at birth and saw a new soul with wisdom and innocence; I am sure I felt what all mothers feel, I wanted to protect and cherish her. I silently vowed that I would find another way to raise my child. What I didn’t realise was that I was still acting in rebellion. If a mother is aware of an unhappy childhood she will often seek to redress the balance. Hence authoritarian parents are succeeded by liberal parents, and vice versa.

As my daughter grew she was full of fun and adventure and spirit. I didn’t want to tame this, or break her spirit, as had happened to me. I asked her opinion about almost everything; she chose her own clothes to wear and her own food to eat. I had stopped working and she had all my time; I was available on demand. I believed I was raising my child as perfectly as possible. But as the months went on I began to see, by the age of two and a half, that this expression of freedom and choice wasn’t working for her. She was beginning to exert her will on me, and everyone in our immediate circle.

One particularly nasty outburst brought me reeling to my senses, I wasn’t serving her or giving her the resources she needed to deal with her desires and will. I began to observe what was happening and when and I realised that I wasn’t providing my daughter with the necessary boundaries. She had my attention, but she also needed my steady and steadfast guidance.

I lay awake at night, berating myself for being a terrible mother. I recognised that I should be the leader in the relationship, and if it was going wrong it was my responsibility. I knew that it was counterproductive for me to become angry when she disobeyed me and I bit my tongue; but she was so angry with me. This was doubly shocking, first I was never allowed to show anger as a child, and here was I, searching for a new way of parenting only to discover that I was the one being shouted at. My daughter wasn’t happy with the freedom I was giving her; it was leading to confusion.

I fell into the trap; I became more authoritarian. I resorted to physical strength to ensure that she put on her coat when I wanted her to; I with-held things or events when I didn’t get my own way. I used my authority and found myself wielding my power. I began to use punishment. I knew there had to be a better way but I didn’t know how to achieve it. I could see the resentment building up in my daughter and what had begun as an amazing relationship was turning into a power struggle; family life had become more of a battleground and I was losing. I looked forward to when she was in bed. I was exhausted with her screaming. It was ugly.

I knew that reasoning with a child under the age of seven was futile, but I still tried. To my amazement she learnt to copy and imitate. Now nothing was possible without a negotiation. However my two-year-old became very proficient at it, and of course she was intractable in her opinions. Now I needed help and I needed it fast.

Then, one day, a miracle, a letter arrived inviting me to a lecture: ‘The Art of Creative Discipline’ by Lourdes Callen, ‘A parent educator’. My heart skipped a number of beats.

She spoke firmly and knowledgeably about discipline and boundaries. She indicated a new course of parenting which was about respectfully creating a safe place for our children, and giving them enough room to grow. She made it clear that the thing that every child needs to know is ‘do you understand me?’ By the end of the lecture I realised that I now had the tools to explore another way of parenting, a middle path, and excitedly I returned home with a new approach. My relationship with my daughter, and my understanding of her needs, changed overnight for the better.

What I learned is that we have a natural authority over our children just by virtue of being their guardian. They need us for their survival; they want to be included and loved, just as we all want to be included and loved. So, a firm, but kind, “we don’t do that in this family” or “mummy would like you to do that”, will have a much more powerful and positive result in the longer term than saying “I’m going to take away your favourite toy because you won’t put your coat on”. Why? because the statement doesn’t make sense to a child. It just serves to teach the child that they have to protect themselves, to maybe lie and cheat and watch their backs because their parents, the very people who should be protecting them, seek to punish rather than understand. Such behaviour creates scarcity not abundance, resentment not love.

Real power is displayed when instead of seeking to punish we choose to lead, to educate, to be forgiving, kind and just. Only the powerless strike a weaker person. Punishment is reactive. We need to be the teacher in the relationship and help our children to grow into self disciplined adults. Discipline cannot be imposed by punishment; it is self defeating.

Self-discipline can help to build self-esteem which in turn enables the child to grow into a healthy adult. Punishment creates a child and adult who may follow instructions without question, but it breeds a hidden resentment; a sense of humiliation, a constant feeling of not being understood. If that does not lead to rebellion it will remain within the body as a source of illness and despair.

Children will find boundaries useful, in fact essential, as long as they are consistent and lovingly set; firm kind discipline will set them free and enable them to grow. But first we need to create a strong relationship of trust and respect within an understanding of the child’s needs.

Lourdes reminded me that it is not strange that our children want to push the boundaries, to discover where they are, to understand that they are safe and that we love them regardless of their acts of sabotage. They are experiencing the world through us and understanding how to respond to it. They instinctively want to learn how to survive and grow, to express their inner selves and to be all that they are meant to be. She reminded me that if we recognise this as we put in the boundaries, then they will understand the firm ‘nos’ that are essential to their calm and enlightening upbringing. They will sense that we understand them and they will co-operate. In this way the child finds the limits, adapts to them and builds an inner compass that will serve them for the rest of their lives.

With the pressures of the modern world our children are growing up too fast and we are all responsible for accelerating the changes. Let them be child-like for as long as possible.

A child is nourished by just being in the presence of a loving adult. Active parenting is to anticipate what is going to happen and not to loose one’s temper or become a child as well.

I found that my daughter needed me to guide her and show the way, not through logic but through example. When I wasn’t doing this, when I was being a ‘liberal’ parent she was drawing my attention to her needs in the only way she knew. I interpreted this as ‘bad behaviour.

What I have come to observe is that if she becomes aggressive, or wild or tearful it is for a number of identifiable reasons: she is tired, hungry, cold, hurt or over stimulated. All of these emotions are avoidable if I am truly aware and I anticipate her feelings. She is seeking the primary things that each child actually needs, rather than desires: sleep, food, warmth, love and stillness. They are fundamental survival needs and cannot be replaced by a new toy or a chocolate bar.

These ideas aren’t new, Rudolph Steiner speaks at length about the need for rhythm and routine, the breathing in and out that each child requires each day, the three distinct phases of growth from 0 to 21 and the needs of each of these phases.

Each day I try to remember we do not own our children. We are their guardians; it is our duty to teach them, to prepare them for later life, to enable them to grow into well balanced adults. It is a huge responsibility, but if we get it right the world will be a better place.

QUIETLY AND FIRMLY
Danya Miller

My daughter was approaching three and a half. During the last six to eight months I had begun to slip into power struggles with her, finding myself getting angry and frustrated with her. I was also negotiating by withholding; if you don’t do this, we won’t do that. I didn’t like it but couldn’t find an alternative, particularly at the moment of impact. Sofie was becoming more aggressive, less and less co-operative and I sensed a build up of resentment as I came towards her armed with coat and hat. That was the worst time, trying to get her to put on a coat to go out into the garden or park: I was forcing her arms in. I remember thinking brute physical force can’t be the answer.

When I was given the information about a Lourdes Callen workshop I knew in an instant that this was one I had to attend.

The day after a most inspirational workshop I was ready to put some of what I had learned into practice. I felt calm and collected and most importantly much more clear about my ability to deal with situations firmly and kindly.
Sofie ran off screaming, “I’m not going to wear my coat”. I stood for a moment, quietly centring myself. I held the coat in front of me and breathed deeply. I search inside: what did this situation require, what did Sofie need in this moment? I knew it was too cold for her to be without a coat. 

GIVEN A CHOICE
Danya Miller

When our daughter was very young I was determined to give her a voice; I didn’t want to be a controlling parent. With the best of intentions and with what I thought were my child’s best interests at heart, I wanted to let her make her own  decisions, something my parents had not given me during my childhood (or adolescence). So, from a tiny child, barely able to speak, I asked her to choose which clothes to wear, what food to eat at mealtimes and even whether or not to wear a hat or coat.

Fortunately I didn’t get to the stage of asking her what time she wanted to go to bed, which school she wanted to attend, where she’d like to play today and whether or not we should go to Italy or the Caribbean for our holidays.

I expected a balanced and happy child in return but I was rewarded with unimaginable tantrums.

I realised that through my desire to be a good and open parent, I was placing our daughter under enormous pressure. I was asking her to make choices that were beyond her capability; choices that were my responsibility.

The flip side of my behaviour was that having given my daughter choice in some areas she expected to have choice, or control, in all areas. I therefore found it impossible to lead her. My ‘no’ had no meaning and reasoning with her was impossible.

It was a difficult journey and painful making my way towards being a responsible parent, and I only made it because my resolve was reinforced by the knowledge that our daughter’s upset was of my making. My reward was seeing her gradually start to feel safe as the responsibility and therefore pressure was removed.

Over and over I had made the mistake of letting my daughter stay in the park when she begged me to, against my better judgement, only to find that getting her home once she had tipped the scales into cold, tired and hungry, was a terrible battle. However once I was firm and recognised that it was in her much better for her to leave whilst she was still content, we went home happily hand in hand to a warm home and a calmly and harmoniously prepared supper.

Children who appear to know exactly what they want are only making choices based on their limited understanding and the urge of the present moment. They have no consideration of all the factors involved. What I experienced as I continually asked my daughter’s opinion was that I was asking her to become a little adult, taking her out of her world of growing, learning, exploring and playing into a conscious and alert mode; always poised to object to whatever it was that someone asked of her.

Choice has to be fed slowly into a child’s world. Choices are essential for adolescents who are finding themselves and slowly but surely separating from the parental home and ties, but I recognise that these teenagers are able to make choices much more easily and clearly if during their younger years someone has held their hand and taught them, by example, how to fully understand the options and then how to make right choices.

When I lead, clearly and gently, whilst of course taking into consideration her desires and interests, she follows. What I see now, in general terms, is a happier, calmer and more peaceful child (and certainly a calmer, kinder mother!). A child who is focusing on play, who does not demand to know who is on the ‘phone, or at the door or what mummy and daddy are saying to each other.

It has taken quite a lot of will-power and patience on my part to change, to claim back the decision making process and most importantly change my language from question to statement; to be more inventive and creative to weave pictures for our daughter to follow. Instead of saying “shall we go into the garden?” To say “We’re going into the garden to smell the beautiful flowers”.

As an adult, having choice is very important. I made the mistake of believing that this was instantly transferable to the child. I now recognise that our daughter is feeling much more safe and secure in the knowledge that “mummy will take care of it” and that leaves her clear to grow and develop. Choice was directly sabotaging her security. I am sure it is a root cause of chaos for our children and catapults them into premature adulthood.

I am so thrilled to have pulled back from the direction in which I was headed and as I see the fruits of this change, each day, I would urge any parent to consider the role of choice within their parenting, what is choice and what is its role and who is it for?

My decision to give our daughter so much choice was as a direct result of my own childhood experience. I now understand that my pain of little or no choice was as an adolescent, not as a small child. It isn’t appropriate for the parent to continue to make all the decisions as the teenager develops her reason and understanding of cause and effect; however my desire to be a liberal parent led me to decisions in my daughter’s upbringing that were inappropriate for her age.

I now understand that we have three broad roles to play in our children’s development:
Up to the age of seven we should be a god,
from seven to fourteen we should be a king,
and from the age of fourteen to twenty one we should be shepherd.

I am aware that our own childhood issues do impact on the choices we make in raising our children. I am seeking now a middle ground, one that is neither liberal nor authoritarian; one that is lovingly present, that doesn’t hold to a formula; it requires creativity. I hope to look at each individual situation with our daughter; see what is in her best interests, based on our values as a family, weigh up the variables and make a decision which most importantly I stick to. It is a choice, but I know now that I am in the best position to make it.

During this silence, Sofie came to a complete halt, looked at me in a quizzical way and began to walk a few steps towards me. Very quietly, but firmly, I said “Mummy would really like you to put you’re coat on”.
“OK mummy” came the reply as she ran, arms outstretched and into the coat. We held hands and skipped off to the park. I was dumbfounded. How could it be this easy! I wanted to tell everyone.

I have never had any problems with Sofie and her coat again!

 Watford Palace Theatre hosts story sessions for half term
10:05am Tuesday 10th February 2009

By Melanie Dakin

SITTING with my son in a packed Community Centre in Kings Langley, I wondered how storyteller Danya Miller would hold the attention of more than 25 children and their attendant adults in the audience. The answer was, of course, with ease as Danya and her colleague Louise Coigley constructed the tale between them, one starting where the other left off, turning the stage into a brigand’s cave and setting us off on an adventurous tale based on Janet and Allan Ahlberg’s book It was a Dark and Stormy Night.

Now Danya is bringing her verbal skills to Watford Palace Theatre with two sessions, one involving puppets for ages three to six and another interactive session for ages seven and up.

Danya says: “I love telling stories and weaving them with the children, creating a magical space for the stories to arrive, stories of adventure, mystery and laughter, stories old and stories new.”

Danya studied drama and went into theatre management and production, including general management at Watford Palace Theatre in the mid 1990s since then she has worked both in the regions and London’s West End. She also studied mime, improvisation and physical theatre at the internationally renowned Jacques Lecoq Theatre School in Paris, skills she brings to bear when creating a story to share.

For myself and my son back in Kings Langley, a very pleasant hour melted away as Danya transported us to the Italian mountains where we met a host of different characters and could almost smell the contents of the cooking pot by the fire and taste the banquet they enjoyed as the story progressed. My stomach was actually rumbling by this time and looking around I saw the other adults were equally engrossed and the children thoroughly enjoyed being asked to contribute ideas to help the story on its way. They paid particular attention to the range of puddings on offer at the feast, leaving everyone’s mouths watering.

Danya next storytelling sessions will take place in the circle bar at Watford Palace Theatre on Tuesday, February 17. Then, on Friday, February 20, Debbie Gutneratne will present stories from around the world. Children need to be accompanied by an adult. Please contact the box office on 01923 225671 to book tickets.